ClaytonWilliamG.

Today and forever darlin, all of the below is true and for you. Come back often.

To Remember

For you,

Today is today, and I love you just the same. I will be and am always here for you and in whatever foreign place i may be, I will come back for you when you call.

I love you. Super, Whistle, and Long.

-Clayton

This isn’t supposed to be too dramatic and I really don’t want anybody to read this and get the impression that I’m depressed or being overly emotional about things. I’m actually in a pretty optimistic place and am looking at the things I’m going to talk about in this post as starting points for change, not reasons to be down on myself. I love you guys and thanks for reading on here. anyway…

I’m going to try and be brutally honest with myself in this. It may come off as disingenuous at times but believe me, this stuff has been tearing at me for a while. To every one of you, not just one or a few specifically, I’m really sorry.

Why?

Because I’ve been a complete dickhead to most people in my life since I came to college and recently I am really realizing both the reasons for my actions, and more importantly how it’s hurt relationships I truly value.

I’ve been thinking a lot for the past three weeks and have really not been able to sleep much at all because of that. To be completely honest, the thing I’ve realized more than anything is that the insecurities from being an incredibly shy and quiet boy growing up and during highschool translated into college as brash behavior like drinking too much, the drunk dialing that followed, disregard for other’s feelings, and otherwise just acting like an ass to hide that insecurity. It’s a facade, a false pretense, to somehow come off as cool or careless; and for most of you, that’s guaranteed that I appear to be someone I am completely not. I do know that since I’ve been here I’ve really grown up a lot and a lucky few of you (maybe 4 people total) have gotten to know the real me underneath the bullshit. Sadly though, the bullshit gets on you guys too sometimes. Last week my selfishness managed to hurt a person I care about beyond words or actions, and if that really did end our ability to even communicate I will probably never forgive myself for it. I can’t really write that enough. But maybe that’s just the kick in the nuts I need. In true asshole-Clay fashion, I got too drunk and acted like an idiot and that seems to be the story all down the line. It’s not just that one situation either. Also last week I found out another very special person in my life (probably for good reason) has always thought I’m “nice and all, but also kind of a jackass most of the time”. These two recent situations are by no means the only crap I’ve seen in myself lately either, just examples. I’ve really been wildly inappropriate to just about everyone at some point. The point in all this talk isn’t just to show how I’m losing people I care about, it’s to let you guys know I know what my actions are doing and that the loss of you guys and my realization that I present myself in no way as the man I am underneath the shell is really starting to get to me.

But so what?

“So” is not that I want anybody to change their opinions of me as a guy just because I’m acknowledging the shitty way I act. Instead, I only want you all to know that I’m going to be working a lot on getting rid of the costume I’ve been wearing and really let you all in on me as me. I hope that over time I can rebuild the broken relationships I’ve had and build on those that were never that strong anyway. I’m going to of course keep partying with everybody and getting out, but the asshole side that gets too drunk and does stupid hurtful things is gone. That part’s pretty important to me. Fun doesn’t go away, but the immaturity that I jump into sometimes and the asshole nature I take on needs to be sweated out. There’s so much more to work on than that too but that doesn’t all need to be enumerated. Rather, I just want you to know I’m a guy working on bettering himself and deeply appologetic for a lot of my actions lately.

Bear with me guys

best,

Clayton

vandals

I’d say I fail for not ever posting on here, but that would be false. Truthfully, my life has been busy enough to keep me off of this thing lately and that’s not fail, that’s win. Unfortunately however, this week isn’t looking so good. As a preparation for spring break, all of my professors are assigning tests and papers and other punishments that my parents’ “this doesn’t hurt you as much as it hurts me” spanks should have foreshadowed. Thus, as was the case for my entire sophomore and junior years, I am taking up residence in the library. I reek of coffee, pizza, vitamin water, repeatedly applied deoderant, and various other unmistakable aromas.

My boredom should provide, in the very least, some more posting today.

-Clayton

Busy now, posting later today. Enjoy.,

Nightswimming

I’m currently in the library refusing to do my homework.

Thanks to my roomate (“yeah man it’s like 45 or 50 degrees outside… cooold”) I walked out late for class today wearing a sweater and jeans only to find that in fact, the weather is around 75 sunny and clear. I don’t even get to enjoy the ballin ass day and am pretty sure all the people in shorts, t-shirts, and sunglasses think I have a skin condition. Which I do. But albinoism of the legs is nothing to joke about.

Anyway, I’m probably skipping the rest of class today because… well… sometimes I don’t rightly give a fuck. Instead I’m going to head home, eat, workout, play video games for a bit, surf for funny/lewd things on the internets, then head out and enjoy the day in Austin. In that order. Maybe some other things too.

More to come

-Clayton